Here is what a close friend has to say, any ideas?
My relationship is complicated, and has been so for last 7 years (thats when we got married after courting for 4 years). Earlier it was mainly because of three reasons – my in-laws interference into our private life (Indian parents don’t know where to draw boundaries), second was his workaholism (which kept him away form homely chores) and third was that both our families had serious live troubles – from accidents to financial troubles to mental illnesses and depression (which did not allow us enough time to build us as a team).
Couple of years ago, we were on the verge of divorce (his idea) and thought to give us another chance by living separately away from both our families (again his idea after our first court hearing for mutually agreed divorce).
We would be together the whole week, visit our respective families on Saturdays and spend time together on Sundays. He and his family have spiritual gatherings every Saturday so it became a natural selection. It was an initial relief and a welcome change for both of us. But over time I have realized that we are not the same people who had fallen in love years ago, and our struggles have diluted the feelings we had for each other. Also, i am not able to trust him and find myself on guard when we converse. I don’t know when would he want a separation again. I am not able to fully commit one more time.
On top of that, I have been single-handedly dealing with most household chores, coz he is busy with his family, his job and his spirituality. And I feel like I am living alone.
What should I do?
If you have ever love or been loved, you’d know that those who are closest to you would be the source of most joy AND most pain in your life. And when pain comes, we tend to ignore the good times spent together. Am listing a few pointers I found useful, do let me know your views. I am talking only about a couple coz that is most relatable, but this applies to all relationships actually
- Take the front-seat. We expect only from those who are close to us and that builds pressure on them. So, we need to try and find ways to fulfill our expectations by ourselves or self-arranged togetherness
- Take out time to do things that you both like – or alternate between things that both of you like. It is indeed very difficult to nurture and sustain any real relationships amidst the situational chaos of all-consuming jobs and intrusive smartphones
- The time-tested solutions. Morning walks, meditation, prayers, yoga, rituals seem to be reserved for the elderly, but you can co-create some rituals that mean something to both of you
- Travel together to see the world. It gives you insights on other ways of living and help you grow together. As a bonus it gives you more time with each other
- Spend time(not just money) on each other. Boredom for more than a few seconds makes us reach to our cellphones for connecting with far-away people and those who are close get taken for granted. Don’t do that in your personal space.
I have been quiet for a long time and dealt with some severe lows in my personal and professional life, and it is time to get back to living up – after all, I’m gonna get only one chance at this thing called life!
Please give me your ideas that worked on making your relationships better 🙂
Men are encouraged to work anywhere they get a chance to earn money, praise, promotions and opportunities. While Women are expected to do the thankless and mundane home-making everyday of their lives. Even if they choose to have a job, our social norms penalise them for not making home their Priority1
As a result, we all have seen irritation in our mothers, aunts, girlfriends, wives, sisters – sometimes voiced and mostly un-voiced. We have also seen fathers, uncles, husbands and brothers being the centre of service and attention as soon as they reach home – everyday they get a hero’s welcome even if all they do in-house is criticise how difficult their life is outside or inside the house.
For us to grow as a society, we need to be inclusive of all people and try giving them comparative if not equal rights. We can only change this scene bit-by-bit. Here is a list of things you can do in your individual capacity to improve our everyday lives
– Prompt females around you to think about life beyond home too. You know there is a whole world of opportunities for their talent and capability. Their involvement in real world would not only give them added happiness, but also confidence and security to handle the unknowns
– Convince family elders that all healthy members can help with housework – it is not meant for females only. You can start with cleaning up and cooking together on weekends and then slowly cover weekdays too. It is not only easy but brings excitement, fun and pranks in the family. It also gives everybody spare time at home which is a huge deal
– For vacations and festive celebrations, start division of labour few weeks in advance – so that the most diligent one does not get pressurised to finish up at the last moment.
– Try not to make all everyday tasks and cultural customs compulsory – instead work those out according to what interests you the most. It will never benefit anyone if things are taken like an obligation and not willfully
– Praise people in groups and give negative feedback in one-on-one conversations. Never talk bad about those you care behind their back
– Build a positive environment where people feel trusted and cared for. Nobody becomes a diffcult person unless we make their lives difficult
– Try to understand people problems and genuinely help them find solutions
– Don’t worry about what others will think of you – let them worry about it 😉
Please write your comment if you use any of these tactics (or any more) to make your everyday better.. would love to listen and implement if possible !!